I am me.
Feeling completely alone despite being surrounded by people.
Feeling like the odd one out, despite laughter and fun.
Feeling like I just want to hide from everyone.
Feeling cold, even when directly in the sun.
Feeling stuck, feeling helpless, unable to help my loved ones.
Telling myself everything will be OK, but completely tore up inside.
Faking smiles, because no one understands why.
Being told to count my blessings, being made to feel guilty for feeling this way.
Telling myself these people are right, what else can I say?
And yet I know this is not a situation in which I will stay.
Soon I will get my life right. Soon I won’t apologize for being me.
Someday soon I will embrace who I am, and that day is the day I will feel free.
Until then I hurt, I am sad, and I cry alone.
Because not having anyone is all I’ve always known.
I keep to myself because I don’t want to bring anyone else down.
But then I am lonely and feel like I might drown, and my pain and suffering, for no real reason.
So I make plans, hang with family. And then I’m back to wanting to hide.
But I fake and I smile and laugh and try to go along with the ride.
By the end of the day I am exhausted.
I really wish I did not have to go to bed feeling so drained.
Before I fall asleep I hope and pray that tomorrow I feel less pain.
I am not perfect, but I am me.
Someday that will be good enough for the negative voices inside my head.
“Everything will be fine”, is something I have to repeat to myself every day.
In the back of my mind though, something is screaming, “just give up!” But somehow, I find the strength within me to fight each day.
Will this ever end?
Can this be stopped?
I hope so.
Until then, I will put on a show.
And on top of all this pain, I hope for the future, I look forward to new chapters.
I know someday I will look back at all of this and laugh. Knowing that the loneliness is in the past.
