Today I sacrificed my needs for my boy. It wasn’t the first time and sure as heck won’t be the last.
My older son turned to me and said, “That’s how I know you care for our feelings.” I responded and said “Son, out of all the people in your life who cares about you, I’m at the top.”
I sat at the kitchen table and went on with my morning.
Now, thinking about it, I ask myself, is it really fair to say that?
Earlier that morning, I told my little son that he didn’t cough at night. He asked why, I responded “When you can’t sleep, neither can I.” “Why is that, mommy?” He asked me. “When you have a bad night, and your sick, or coughing, i wake up and check on you, and give you water, and prop you up so you’re not flat on your back, and put essential oils on your chest.” He gave me a hug.
Just yesterday i was being hard on myself, as usual. Older son wasn’t trying to help little son. “What am i doing wrong?” I asked my friend. She responded with a pep talk; telling me to stop blaming myself for their actions, and that they are growing up and they are their own people with their own moods.
Those remarks from my boys today showed me that they do notice my acts of love toward them. It’s exactly what I need in this seemingly hopeless time we’re living in right now.
I have skipped meals for them, lost sleep, shed many tears for those boys. I gave up my spacious home for a crowded two bedroom apartment, because I know, despite the doubts and the fears I have, that it was the best thing I could do for them.
I am a very peaceful individual, but I know that for them, I’d fight anyone that harms them. These boys are my world, I would do anything for them. Even now though, am i really the one who cares that much?
I know their daddy loves them too. I’m not trying to undermine his love for them. But when another parent came and was calling my son names, dad didn’t even try to defend him or ask him to talk like mature adults, instead of coming and yelling at us like a crazy person. I had been so frightened by the guy that I screamed for help. This dude didn’t have any problem showing how tall he is. When older son was in kindergarten, the same man pushed his body onto mine, like saying “Look girl, I am bigger than you.” It was a very scary experience for me. I didn’t show it in front of big bad wolf though, and seeing my son cry and tell me over and over that he didn’t do what the man accused him of doing made me want to chase him down and curse him out. I am not writing this down to compare myself to their father, but I’m not going to back down when my boys ask me for something.
If I can’t talk to them, I find someone who I trust and that person will talk to them. As much as I don’t like Roblox, I know how much it means to my son, so I with the help of a friend, contacted a representative and that person was able to help get his account back. He was extremely happy to have his account back.
I wake up every day wanting to be a better parent for them, a stronger parent, a resilient parent. I don’t wish to be the sobbing wreck they unfortunately knew for years.
I love these boys with everything I have. Their laughs make me happy, even on my worst day. Have you gotten a hug from a little kid? A genuine hug from a little kid will bring you happiness. I promise.
