As I tried to comfort my son today, I felt a huge wave of anxiety threatening to drown me again.
This wasn’t the first time and I know it won’t be the last.
I tried to get through to him but I just could not. I felt extremely sad, extremely helpless.
He was upset, he thought he failed. His brother made sure he knew he failed. That word was all he could see, and he could not see past that. No matter what I said, his dejected voice … hurt me so much, I wanted to scream, the pain was too intense…
I know I can’t always comfort my kids. I know I won’t always be enough for them. But I still hurt at the thought of it.
I wanted it to stop. I needed the pain to go away, even for a few minutes. I needed to have some kind of relief, if only for a short time.
Just give me a minute so I can pull myself together, only to step back in to my life.
Yet I just made my own sadness worse by asking a friend for help. I know already that this person has no real interest in helping me. I know that they are only looking out for themselves, and that I need to pick myself up and do the same.
But I have always rushed to their aid.
I always pay for things. I pay for it because, I am the one making the suggestion, so I feel responsible somehow. And the truth is that, if I do not make any suggestions, nothing will happen.
Not to long ago, I needed some assistance with something and asked for help. This person only partially assisted me and only as they attended to their very own needs and not even asking if it would be in order for them to spend money on themselves and then to ask it back from me? Confused much?
But paying this person is not my problem. Because I’ve been so good to them, and so generous, they do not even ask if they can get something for themselves. So I don’t feel obliged to pay the whole amount back. Milk shakes are expensive. I didn’t even get one for myself. Yet this person felt comfortable asking me for the whole amount spent… I am going to pay them back. I guess that’s the push over in me.
Getting back to my sadness, I feel I bring on to myself, by counting on a person that may or may not follow through and actually help me. Nine out of ten they do not follow through.
So I question my actions. I question why I let myself hurt so much. Sometimes I even ask myself if I enjoy being hurt and let down. Don’t even get me started on how they are very quic to point out faults of my own without looking at their very own actions.
I don’t know how long I can keep my mouth shut I feel I’m about to explode.
This person is reminding me so much more of a former roommate…
When we lived together, some time ago, this friend went as far as kicking the other room mate out for disrespecting her boundaries but she is very quick to disrespect mine.
Yet I want to show this friend that kindness always wins in the end. I don’t like being treated with such dismissal so by not dismissing them, I hope that one day they will be able to turn around and treat others better, and I hope that they will remember the kindness I showed them.
I don’t want to give up who i am to get back at anyone.
I want to show my loved ones that despite how I’m being treated, I won’t stoop to anyone’s level.
I just applied calming essential oil blend on my forehead and nose, and am listening to some positive music.
I am not my anxiety.
I won’t drown.
The people who truly love me will hold on to me.
I am loved. I am not alone. I know it. Even if I sometimes struggle believing it myself. But, somewhere deep inside, I know it.
Everything will be okay.
