Grateful despite …

I woke up too late, but I have been feeling so beat lately, that I didn’t complain. I got up, made my coffee, and sat down to have a few sips before it was time to wake my boys.

Feeling curious, I browsed Facebook for funny quotes, cat pics, and yummy recipes. I posted a few, but that was not all I saw on there.

I live in northern CA, so Covid-19 is not the only thing keeping my boys and I inside now. The wild fires are causing unhealthy air to come this way.

I ran into a post from a friend of mine. She is frustrated because she can’t take her little kids and day care kids outside and she’s going crazy.

“You’re not the only one, girl.,” I wanted to comment. But I decided not to.I tried to push the thoughts out of my head.

Thoughts of helplessness, thoughts of feeling trapped… but the more I tried to push it away, the harder it was coming for me.

I was suddenly hit with such anxiety, I thought I was going to collapse or scream, or cry, or all three!!!!

I envy those who can get out of the house and not breathe in crappy air… I envy those who can jump in their cars and go anywhere they want, those who aren’t stuck in their homes…

I know envy isn’t a good thing, so I am trying to count my blessings. I tell my boys to do that, after all. They like to complain about school, or about lagging internet. They have no idea the fear that is not only gripping their mother, but all the other Californians and especially the ones who have to evacuate. I came across a post that says all Californians need to prepare to evacuate.

But where will we all go? What about food and shelter? How will I be able to make sure my older boy doesn’t have asthma attacks?

Yet I feel so trapped in this apartment… I only leave the house maybe once a week, if that… So despite my trying to count my blessings, envy fills me up…

I promise, I’m a kind person. I’m just not in the best mind set right now. But I also know I am blessed with a roof over my head and healthy boys and food for us and for my cat.

I know that despite all these negative feelings, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and every day we’re alive and well is a blessing.

I hug my boys close, and listen to them talking about their video games, and feel blessed, despite the anxiety threatening to drown me. I just heard my younger boy’s teacher scolding the kids about watching Youtube before school in the morning. Tears filled my eyes, I know for a fact my boys are not the kids the teacher was speaking of. That in itself eases my anxiety just a little. I turn to my boys, take their hands in mine, and tell them how proud I am that they know how to behave durring school.

I can smile now. Everything will be okay.