Today I woke up feeling even more alone than I usually do. That is saying something, because I always feel alone.
No matter how many times my loved ones say they love me, depression makes me feel like they don’t. So when I woke up this morning with a crushed spirit and a hurting heart, I did not know what I was going to do about it. I talked to a few friends, played a few games online, listened to the song I want to play someday on my piano. Nothing really worked.
I blasted a song in my ears, thinking that these horrible thoughts in my head would go away. That didn’t work either.
I was going to reach out to my roommate and tell her that I need help and that I need support, but she is wrapped in her own thing.
I truly feel so alone and so crushed. There is someone who would be willing to hang out with me, but that someone has made it clear to me that they expect more than I want.
All I want is a friend to hang out with, he is not willing to give me that friend.
So I stand at the creek by my apartments. I feel like a total idiot. Cars are passing, I only imagine them saying “what is that weirdo doing just standing there? Where is she going?”
but I can’t go home. Not back to that room, that emptiness, that loneliness. Out here is really no different, but at least I can breathe.
Meanwhile here is another friend, ranting and raving about how horrible her spouse is. And expecting me to just be OK with it? I don’t know everything. I honestly don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t know that I can handle it. Not because I’m a bad friend, or selfish, or don’t care. I do care very much. But what am I supposed to do to help this person, when I’m barely hanging on myself?
I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I’m just in the background while everyone else lives their lives. Depression makes me feel like I’m in this cold dark place and even when I scream and cry, no one hears me or even cares. So I stand here by the creek like a weirdo, hoping that eventually, the hurt and the feelings of being crushed will go away and I could go home.
But so far I’ve been here for over an hour and I still feel the same. I don’t even know if my roommate knows that I’m even gone. I’m not that far but she really is wrapped in her own stuff. I don’t feel like I can really reach out to her.
So what can I do? Other than stand here that is? I should probably order something to eat, something really really good. But I don’t even feel like I can do that. Or maybe a bath? With lavender in it? No I already showered, and I don’t wanna go back home right now anyway.
This war inside my head is just not funny. And yet this friend of mine was being dramatic and saying goodbye because no one wants to deal with her. Funny how that’s how I feel too. Like no one really wants to deal with me. I just won’t say that out loud. Too dramatic. I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I just want to absorb the pain and cope.
I don’t know what else to say, because I can’t repeat the horrible thoughts that are in my head regarding myself. So I’ll end this on a good note. I know I will get through this day somehow. Something will happen to make me snap out of it and then tomorrow it’ll be a new day and hopefully I won’t have to feel that much pain
