Introduction
One afternoon, I was listening in on an audio social networking app to a person talking about her dark feelings.
I tried to fight really hard, in order to reach within me to find the words, not just any words but, the right words to say to help this person. But, I couldn’t. I had to turn away.
I was already feeling like crud that day.
Some days I can safely put the mask on, and pretend to be strong. But that day was not one of those days.
I left the audio stream, feeling dazed and overwhelmed, left my room, and cried in the bathroom. I felt I had way too much on my Shoulders as it was.
But I felt guilty, too.
The honest truth though, I don’t feel like I can put myself in a situation to help when choice words were being thrown around. So I grabbed my phone, and started putting my thoughts and feelings into writing. When I was done, I realized I could not fight for someone else, even my kids, if I am not ok. So I am putting my work out there in hopes that this young person, and whoever it is that needs someone who understands, that they are not alone. I also have to fight the internal war to survive, and sometimes that involves walking away from a depressed soul, not because I don’t care, but because I am a mother first, and also I can’t help someone else if I don’t face my own demons first. As I’m writing this now, I feel guilt.
We each live with our own reality. The emotional pain we feel becomes physical and it feels like there is no light at the end of our tunnel. Just remember, whoever you are, where ever you are, you are not alone and yes, even though I am finding it difficult to believe it myself, it will one day get better.
Depression is real, it’s a monster, and we all need to take it very seriously. I hope, that if this introduction doesn’t make sense, that the poem I wrote will.
The Poem
I failed again.
Someone needed help, and I walked away!
For the millionth time, I was triggered, What can I say?
I wish I could take the young one’s pain away!
I wish I could replace his / her darkness with light and joy!
I wish I could take the clouds, and make the sun for him / her stay.
But how can I help someone, when I’m in my own fight?
I fight with the beast inside my head,
telling me I’m worthless
But I try my best to drown those voices out instead.
It takes all the energy I have to get through the day!
I battle the negative words,
I try to push those thoughts away!
I’ve gotten better thanks to my loved ones by my side.
I no longer feel I need to hide.
I’m free to be me, whatever me is.
I don’t have to pretend,
Or put on a show.
Whatever I am, support and comfort my love shows.
But I’m not perfect,
I have triggers, it’s true.
I may be getting better,
But that beast in my head still comes through.
What can I do to help this poor soul, I have no clue.
I want to help, but my own depression says “Boo!”
It popps up when I’m not expecting and I can’t figure out what to do.
So I walk away from the sadness of the person, I feel in the moment it’s the only thing I can do to survive.
I want to support the young soul,
But the beast I have inside, I feel, have been revived.
Please understand, you are not alone.
I will help anyway I can,
Just try to shield yourself from things unknown.
Try to reach out to real friends.
Everything will be ok,
We’ll stand together,
And make it in the end.
