Introduction
Ah, the chaotic mind I have sometimes!
What fun it is to try to explain why I’m moody, or scared or … anything really … Just to fail Dismally in doing so.
Depression is a particularly malicious beast and I find myself at a loss for words when I try to put into words as to why I’m feeling all these feelings of hopelessness, sadness, vulnerability and total and absolute pain.
All too often i hear “You don’t have a reason to feel down, you are healthy, you have beautiful kids…” Yes, I am blessed. I have my health, my kids’ health, a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the money to make food appear. Also, just in case you did not get the memo, If there was a way to make all of this go away, I would have done it myself by now.
But the chaos is there.
It’s everywhere.
Sometimes I can push it aside.
But other times I can’t.
There’s no need to gloss it up. I can’t, honestly, even if I wanted to.
The truth is that it’s hard to know what to say because there’s nothing that can take away the pain.
So, this poem is an attempt to try to explain the jumble inside.
I’m also hoping that it will help someone who faces similar demons to what I face.
When we are in a depression, our inner critic, also known as our monster/demon, goes into overdrive. Depression grants it a megaphone. And not the cheap kind that non-profit organizations hire, nope! The really loud ones!
Remember that your monster lies to you and that you are not the awful failure it wants you to believe you are.
POEM
How can I tell you about the chaos in my head?
May I just tell you about chocolate instead?
I don’t know how to stop running around in circles in my mind.
At a loss for words,peace I want to find.
I feel I cannot breathe, I just want to cry.
What, though, will that really accomplish,?
I must just try, To be strong, to be happy, to keep my eyes dry.
To be honest with you, I don’t even understand myself, I don’t know what my problem is.
I don’t want to lash out and make you feel it’s you.
So please bear with me, I swear my issues have nothing to do with you.
Please don’t become frustrated, I want to climb out of this wheel.
Don’t try to put your hand inside,
If you got hurt trying to help me out,
Awful and guilty I’d feel.
You ask me how you can help,
But it is me who has to climb out
Of this chaotic wheel, that sometimes makes me want to shout.
If dealing with my chaos is too much, I will pull away.
I don’t want you to get hurt if I don’t have nice things to say.
I ask for patience, and if I need time to self reflect, Please don’t take it personally.
It hurts me more if because of my chaos, You think it’s something you are doing.
When I am feeling like this, I’m not my happy self.
But please try to understand,
That I love you and don’t mean to hurt you, And want to take your hand.
But sometimes I have to deal with this alone, So try not to worry too much, I’ll always come back to you.
If I need time to get out of this wheel, Try to give me a minute or two.
