Introduction
I sat on my bed a few months ago, fully aware of the huge changes I faced.
I was aware of the dread and fear, and the fact that I was giving up my 3 bedroom apartment in exchange, for a single room to rent.
My boys and I would have to share one little room, and there would be one bathroom among five to six people.
There was also something else I would have to face, and that was living with family. I never thought I’d have to go there again. But there I was, having to make the choice between staying in my miserable unhappy situation, or giving up everything I owned for one little room shared with two growing boys.
I’d lose my apatite almost instantaniously just thinking of what was waiting for me in the near future.
One particular day, I was feeling extremely trapped. My older son had gotten in a lot of trouble at school; his dad still gave him privelages.
I called home school programs, and parenting help hotlines because I was at the end of my rope. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet, When my boys’ dad found out I talked to a few programs, he accused me of making decisions without him.
What was worse is the fact that before I called any of these programs, I always asked him for his opinion on what we should do, insisting that something had to change if we were to help our son. His response? “I don’t know, man.”
My emotions were as negative as they could get. So I wrote this poem to try to cope with all the horrable thoughts in my head. I showed this to a friend, and he / she said I need to go to a mental hospital stat.
But I was able to explain to her that I was feeling depressed, and poetry was the only way to truly express my emotions in a healthy manner.
Depression is not talked about, and if it is, very much frowned upon.
I have people telling me to get over it because I have kids to raise. Others tell me that I’m just fine, and that I only think I’m depressed, and if I change how i think, the negativity will go away.
But depression is real. Anxiety is real. We all struggle in our lives, and it’s unfair for someone to judge people without trying to understand and empithize.
It was very hard for me to put this poem out there. But after considering long and hard, I decided that if this poem speaks to someone who is feeling alone, and I’m able to help them, it would be an honor. On top of that, if I’m able to speak to someone who is not only feeling down and alone, and also has a disability, that would be wonderful as well.
Want to be Free,
Free?
yet trapped!
Fighting hard,
but, have already given up!
Already planned for the end!
Until that moment,
just pretend!
Everything is fine,
just have to take care of the people who depend on me,
these boys of mine!
But already feeling I’ve failed them!
How much longer can I hold on?
Please leave me behind,
I can’t go on.
How can you love someone who has no hope?
Yet I know I have to find something to cope!
I can’t stay here,
but, can’t move!
Don’t have anything going for me,
yet feel I have something to prove.
Who really cares?
Who really understands?
Yet, I see you reaching for my hand!
I want to push you away,
but for your own good.
I’m just trying to protect you
from the darkness that is me.
Sitting imprisoned
in my own head,
don’t know how to get free.
So many people who love me,
and want to pull me up!
But I know that if I don’t fight,
they all may as well give up!
Hopeless in my thoughts,
but also understand there’s a light!
So just have to keep finding the strength in me to fight.
Someone carry me,
I can’t walk anymore.
But it’s my own job,
I have to get off this floor.
What’s the point in all this nonsense anyway?
My loved ones tell me to speak,
but I open my mouth with nothing really to say …
